Dear Friends of German Humour,
Hope all is well and I hope you don’t hold it against me if I cheat a bit with this month’s newsletter by simply emailing out my script from today’s Now Show on Radio 4.
Here goes: Last week I did a gig in Mold in North Wales demanding the locals show some gratitude to London’s taxpayers for building them such a nice theatre and then also giving them money to buy the tickets.
It took them a while but once the simple souls understood how it all works they were very grateful indeed!
I am sure it would have been a much tougher sell for a born-and-bread Londoner than me pseudo Cockney.
But there are topics that are much harder to discuss with my passport.
I would love to discuss how undignified and utterly un-British I found the England football team demanding to wear poppies in their game with Spain.
I am sure you remember the game last Saturday, when England won the World Cup?
Unfortunately my nationality prevents me from asking if anyone really wants their ancestors remembered by John Terry and his mates.
If I were British, people might call me a Communist or something else starting with ‘C’ but at least I would be a British ‘C’ and as such entitled to an opinion, no matter how wrong.
I could point out, in my typical self-righteous way, that England has played games for over 90 years since the first Armistice Day without the marketing department of US footwear manufacturer Nike making Chinese infants stitch little poppies on the boots of the England team.
To mark the occasion, the English Football Association even made their manager Don Corleone glue a massive bunch of flowers to his suit. He looked less like a football manager and more like a lamppost where a child had been run over. Or far worse – someone going on a stag-do.
And we all know what happened the last time an England team confused a major sporting event with a stag-do. Instead of egg-shaped balls the rugby team threw dwarfs about and a month later the manager is out a job.
At least the rugby world cup disproved the age-old nonsense that it’s only Premier League footballers that don’t know how to behave. The only reason cricket and rugby players don’t crash three Ferraris a fortnight is they can’t afford them. Driving a golf cart up the M4 is as far as their money goes.
The Eurozone is going tits up and China is about to take over yet the national agenda is dominated by the football team being allowed to wear a symbol that has nothing to do with football and as such is in clear contravention of FIFA rules, unusually sensible FIFA rules.
Certainly more sensible than Sepp Blatter’s suggestion that players should shake hands and make up on the pitch and not turn every racist incident into a public spectacle. He really is out of touch.
The Terry – Ferdinand palaver is the only bit of good news for the British economy in a long time.
The inquiry will allow lawyers to bill astronomical fees and even better: the jobs of the do-gooders at the Kick-it-out anti racism initiative are safe for years to come.
So, Blatter shut up and focus on what you’re best at – handing out and receiving brown paper bags.
Mind you, that’s a practice best avoided.
Unless you want to end up like Southern Europe. Bust and waiting for money from Germany. By legitimate bank transfer.
To be fair the Greeks are very unfortunate because they’ve really tried everything to get out the economic hole. Paying themselves more, borrowing more, rioting, hosting the Olympic Games – all the things Britain’s trying.
They even tried to improve their fortune by going on strike. But turns out not working doesn’t help either. Strange. Who would have thought?
But let’s be honest. The macro economic difference between a Greek civil servant behind his desk or on strike is negligible. Them turning up in the morning is never more than a nice gesture. In many ways I prefer them on strike as then it’s harder for them to accept bribes.
And don’t think going on holidays over there is helping matters. It’s not the people that are bust. It’s the state that’s bust. And if you’re going on holidays to Greece all the money will end up in the pockets of some oligarchs and the state will see none of it.
If you’re serious about helping Greece, Portugal, Italy and all that lot you must go on holidays to Germany!
Because our hotels, restaurants and tour operators do pay taxes which Berlin then can hand to Athens, Lisbon, Rome and all those other basket cases.
I tell you what: if their air traffic controllers had any sense they would reroute all incoming flights, they would reroute them to Germany in their own countries’ best interest. But they’re obviously not doing that. Because they’re obviously on strike. Paid for by Germany. You gotta laugh!
See, yes, I can’t really question anything to do with British symbolism, propaganda and forced grief but we can all laugh together about them lazy, work-shy Southern Europeans. Haha! Aren’t they stupid?!
Have a great month