December 5th, 2012


December 2012


Dear Friends of German Comedy,

It’s the Queen here. No, calm down, it’s not. It’s only me.

With emotions running high I’d better not make light of Kate Middleton’s nurse’s suicide. But I immediately knew that nurse wasn’t from round here. No British employee has ever cared enough about their job to commit suicide after making a mistake.

That’s after all what Britain invented self-deprecation for. It doesn’t matter if you mess up in your line of work. As long as you can tell the tale of your underachievement in an entertaining fashion you’ll be alright and in line for promotion.

In a way, the hoax call reminded me of when I was applying for marketing jobs at the 92 English football league clubs back in 2002.

I rang all clubs to see if they had any openings, and ask whom to send my CV to.

Whoever answered Port Vale FC’s phone deserves a medal, as he made me address my application to Barry Bigtits. I was 99% sure the name was made up but a) I had nothing to lose, and b) if that really was the name of the HR person he would have very few applications on his desk as everyone would assume it’s a joke.

Sadly it was a joke.

But rather than death and job-hunting let’s end the final bulletin of the year on a more cheery note and remember what a great success 2012 has been.

Particularly the Olympic Games!

Before, everyone was convinced London 2012 would be a shambles and a half.
But then, against all the odds, it turned out very well.

Luckily since then the debate about future use of the Olympic Stadium has been living up to the expectations. It took the London Legacy Development Corporation five months to appoint West Ham as the preferred bidder! Seeing it’s only them and Leyton Orient in the vicinity you wonder how that decision could have been five months in the making.

It’s like parents pondering who to make the beneficiary of their will – their only child or their cat.

Talking of cats (seamless, I know): who remembers Alan Coren’s “Golfing for Cats”, the 1970s book with the massive swastika on the cover, combining the three most potent sales concepts of the day: golf, cats and Nazis?

There is now a 21st century sham version of that very idea!

www.dialacelebrity.co.uk a website combining the modern British triple obsession of celebrity, charity and mobile phones.

Talking to, say, Neville Southall sets you back an outlandish 20 quid. Per minute!

A half-hour chat would cost you 600 quid! I’m pretty sure Southall does personal appearances for less.

Seriously, whatever you do, don’t phone that number – not even for a laugh or to find out if it’s for real – if I find out you rang them and are hundreds of quid down I won’t be able to forgive myself!

If you’re determined to use your phone, ring 08448 733433 and book tickets for my Authentic German Christmas Do at Leicester Square Theatre. £15.50 for 120 minutes – an astonishing 154 times cheaper than talking to Neville Southall.

Have a great end to 2012 and a sufficiently successful 2013

Henning



May 2017

4 – REDHILL – Harlequin – SOLD OUT
5 – NOTTINGHAM – Playhouse – SOLD OUT – Extra date added 25th November – SOLD OUT
6 – BROMLEY – Churchill Theatre – SOLD OUT
10 – OXFORD – Playhouse – SOLD OUT
11 – STAFFORD – Gatehouse – SOLD OUT
12 – SHEFFIELD – Octagon – SOLD OUT
13 – COLNE – The Muni – SOLD OUT
14 – BUXTON – Opera House – SOLD OUT
19 – BASINGSTOKE – The Anvil – SOLD OUT – Extra date 2nd November – TICKETS
20 – COVENTRY – Warwick Arts Centre Butterworth Hall – SOLD OUT
21 – LEICESTER – The Curve – SOLD OUT
24 – LONDON – Betsey Trotwood – SOLD OUT – NEW MATERIAL NIGHT – NOT A SHOW
26 – WESTON SUPER MARE – The Playhouse – SOLD OUT
27 – YEOVIL – Westlands – SOLD OUT
28 – SOUTHAMPTON – Nuffield Theatre – SOLD OUT
31 – OXFORD – Playhouse – SOLD OUT

June 2017

1 – NORTHAMPTON – Derngate – TICKETS
2 – TORQUAY – Babbacombe Theatre – DVD Recording – TICKETS
3 – TORQUAY – Babbacombe Theatre – DVD Recording – TICKETS
9 – GUILDFORD – G Live – SOLD OUT
10 – READING – Hexagon – SOLD OUT – Extra date added 8th November TICKETS
11 – BOURNEMOUTH – Pavilion – TICKETS
12 – GUERNSEY – Beau Sejour Theatre – SOLD OUT
17 – JERSEY – Opera House – TICKETS
19 – LONDON – Betsey Trotwood – SOLD OUT – NEW MATERIAL NIGHT – NOT A SHOW
23 – LONDON – Betsey Trotwood – SOLD OUT – NEW MATERIAL NIGHT – NOT A SHOW

July 2017

24 – LONDON – Betsey Trotwood – SOLD OUT – NEW MATERIAL NIGHT – NOT A SHOW
25 – LONDON – Betsey Trotwood – SOLD OUT – NEW MATERIAL NIGHT – NOT A SHOW
26 – LONDON – Betsey Trotwood – SOLD OUT – NEW MATERIAL NIGHT – NOT A SHOW
28 – BARTON on HUMBER – Ropewalk – SOLD OUT
29 – YORK – Barbican – Great Yorkshire Fringe – TICKETS
30 – MACCLESFIELD – Gawsworth Hall – TICKETS

August 2017

3 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
4 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
5 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
6 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
10 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
11 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
12 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
13 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
17 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
18 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
19 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
20 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS

September 2017

20 – EPSOM – Playhouse – TICKETS
21 – DUNSTABLE – Grove Theatre – TICKETS
22 – DARTFORD – The Orchard – TICKETS
23 – TUNBRIDGE WELLS – Assembly Hall – TICKETS
29 – CLACTON-on-SEA – Princes Theatre – TICKETS
30 – IPSWICH – Regent Theatre – TICKETS

October 2017

1 – LOWESTOFT – Marina Theatre – TICKETS
4 – BELFAST – Ulster Hall – TICKETS
6 – HIGH WYCOMBE – The Swan – TICKETS
7 – WATFORD – Colosseum – TICKETS
8 – LEAMINGTON SPA – Royal Spa Centre – TICKETS
12 – WREXHAM – William Aston Hall – TICKETS
13 – BIRMINGHAM – Town Hall – SOLD OUT
14 – BIRMINGHAM – Town Hall – TICKETS
15 – KETTERING Lighthouse – TICKETS
19 – DONCASTER – Cast – TICKETS
20 – KENDAL – Westmoreland Hall – TICKETS
21 – CARLISLE – Sands Centre – TICKETS
22 – NEWCASTLE – Theatre Royal – TICKETS
26 – LONDON – Hackney Empire – TICKETS
27 – WOLVERHAMPTON – Wulfrun Hall – TICKETS
28 – MELTON MOWBRAY – Melton Theatre – TICKETS
29 – CHESTERFIELD – Pomegranate Theatre – TICKETS

November 2017

2 – BASINGSTOKE – The Anvil – TICKETS
3 – CRAWLEY – The Hawth  – TICKETS
8 – READING – Hexagon – TICKETS
9 – CANTERBURY – Marlowe Theatre – TICKETS
11 – STOCKPORT – Plaza – TICKETS
12 – SHREWSBURY – Theatre Severn – SOLD OUT
16 – CAMBRIDGE Corn Exchange – TICKETS
17 – BRIGHTON – Dome  – TICKETS
18 – HAYES – Beck Theatre – TICKETS
19 – SALISBURY – City Hall – TICKETS
23 – BARNSLEY – Civic Theatre – TICKETS
24 – SCARBOROUGH – The Spa Theatre – TICKETS
25 – NOTTINGHAM – Playhouse – SOLD OUT

Eins, Zwei, DIY

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