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November 2011

Dear Friends of German Humour,
Hope all is well and I hope you don’t hold it against me if I cheat a bit with this month’s newsletter by simply emailing out my script from today’s Now Show on Radio 4.

Here goes: Last week I did a gig in Mold in North Wales demanding the locals show some gratitude to London’s taxpayers for building them such a nice theatre and then also giving them money to buy the tickets.

It took them a while but once the simple souls understood how it all works they were very grateful indeed!

I am sure it would have been a much tougher sell for a born-and-bread Londoner than me pseudo Cockney.

But there are topics that are much harder to discuss with my passport.

I would love to discuss how undignified and utterly un-British I found the England football team demanding to wear poppies in their game with Spain.

I am sure you remember the game last Saturday, when England won the World Cup?

Unfortunately my nationality prevents me from asking if anyone really wants their ancestors remembered by John Terry and his mates.

If I were British, people might call me a Communist or something else starting with ‘C’ but at least I would be a British ‘C’ and as such entitled to an opinion, no matter how wrong.

I could point out, in my typical self-righteous way, that England has played games for over 90 years since the first Armistice Day without the marketing department of US footwear manufacturer Nike making Chinese infants stitch little poppies on the boots of the England team.

To mark the occasion, the English Football Association even made their manager Don Corleone glue a massive bunch of flowers to his suit. He looked less like a football manager and more like a lamppost where a child had been run over. Or far worse – someone going on a stag-do.

And we all know what happened the last time an England team confused a major sporting event with a stag-do. Instead of egg-shaped balls the rugby team threw dwarfs about and a month later the manager is out a job.

At least the rugby world cup disproved the age-old nonsense that it’s only Premier League footballers that don’t know how to behave. The only reason cricket and rugby players don’t crash three Ferraris a fortnight is they can’t afford them. Driving a golf cart up the M4 is as far as their money goes.

The Eurozone is going tits up and China is about to take over yet the national agenda is dominated by the football team being allowed to wear a symbol that has nothing to do with football and as such is in clear contravention of FIFA rules, unusually sensible FIFA rules.

Certainly more sensible than Sepp Blatter’s suggestion that players should shake hands and make up on the pitch and not turn every racist incident into a public spectacle. He really is out of touch.

The Terry – Ferdinand palaver is the only bit of good news for the British economy in a long time.

The inquiry will allow lawyers to bill astronomical fees and even better: the jobs of the do-gooders at the Kick-it-out anti racism initiative are safe for years to come.

So, Blatter shut up and focus on what you’re best at – handing out and receiving brown paper bags.

Mind you, that’s a practice best avoided.

Unless you want to end up like Southern Europe. Bust and waiting for money from Germany. By legitimate bank transfer.

To be fair the Greeks are very unfortunate because they’ve really tried everything to get out the economic hole. Paying themselves more, borrowing more, rioting, hosting the Olympic Games – all the things Britain’s trying.

They even tried to improve their fortune by going on strike. But turns out not working doesn’t help either. Strange. Who would have thought?

But let’s be honest. The macro economic difference between a Greek civil servant behind his desk or on strike is negligible. Them turning up in the morning is never more than a nice gesture. In many ways I prefer them on strike as then it’s harder for them to accept bribes.

And don’t think going on holidays over there is helping matters. It’s not the people that are bust. It’s the state that’s bust. And if you’re going on holidays to Greece all the money will end up in the pockets of some oligarchs and the state will see none of it.

If you’re serious about helping Greece, Portugal, Italy and all that lot you must go on holidays to Germany!

Because our hotels, restaurants and tour operators do pay taxes which Berlin then can hand to Athens, Lisbon, Rome and all those other basket cases.

I tell you what: if their air traffic controllers had any sense they would reroute all incoming flights, they would reroute them to Germany in their own countries’ best interest. But they’re obviously not doing that. Because they’re obviously on strike. Paid for by Germany. You gotta laugh!

See, yes, I can’t really question anything to do with British symbolism, propaganda and forced grief but we can all laugh together about them lazy, work-shy Southern Europeans. Haha! Aren’t they stupid?!

Have a great month

Henning


December 2018

12 – LONDON – Leicester Square Theatre – TICKETS
13 – LONDON – Leicester Square Theatre – TICKETS 
14 – LONDON – Leicester Square Theatre – SOLD OUT
15 – LONDON – Leicester Square Theatre – SOLD OUT


February 2019

6 – EXETER – Corn Exchange – SOLD OUT
7 – EXETER – Corn Exchange – SOLD OUT
8 – SWINDON – Wyvern Theatre –TICKETS
9 – SWINDON – Wyvern Theatre –TICKETS
14 – ALDERSHOT – Princes Hall – TICKETS
15 – LEICESTER – De Montfort Hall – TICKETS
16 – BROMLEY – Churchill Theatre – SOLD OUT
17 – BRIGHTON – Dome – TICKETS
20 – WHITLEY BAY – Playhouse – TICKETS
21 – WHITLEY BAY – Playhouse – SOLD OUT – Extra date added 20 Feb
22 – HARROGATE – Royal Hall – SOLD OUT
23 – SHEFFIELD – Octagon – TICKETS


March 2019

1 – BASINGSTOKE – The Anvil – TICKETS – Extra date 16 November
2 – CAMBRIDGE – Corn Exchange – TICKETS – Extra date 23 November
3 – EPSOM – Playhouse – TICKETS
7 – NOTTINGHAM – Playhouse – TICKETS
8 – NOTTINGHAM – Playhouse – TICKETS – Added date
9 – BUXTON – Opera House – TICKETS
22 – STEVENAGE – Concert Hall – TICKETS
23 – CREWE – Lyceum – TICKETS
29 – BIRMINGHAM – Town Hall – SOLD OUT – Extra dates 11 & 12 October – TICKETS
30 – WREXHAM – William Aston Hall – TICKETS
31 – SHREWSBURY – Theatre Severn – SOLD OUT – Extra date 13 October –  TICKETS


April 2019

5 – PORT TALBOT – Prince’s Royal Theatre – TICKETS
6 – CARDIFF – St David’s Hall – TICKETS
7 – SOUTHAMPTON – The Mayflower Theatre – TICKETS
12 – SALISBURY – City Hall – TICKETS
13 – TORQUAY – Babbacombe Theatre – TICKETS
14 – CHELTENHAM – Town Hall – TICKETS


May 2019

2 – OXFORD – Playhouse – TICKETS
3 – OXFORD – Playhouse – TICKETS
4 – OXFORD – Playhouse – TICKETS
10 – COVENTRY – Warwick Arts Centre Butterworth Hall – TICKETS
11 – CHESTERFIELD – The Winding Wheel – TICKETS
12 – LICHFIELD – Garrick Theatre – SOLD OUT
16 – CHATHAM – Central Theatre – TICKETS
17 – MARGATE – Winter Gardens – TICKETS
18 – BEXHILL – De La Warr Pavilion – TICKETS
23 – YEOVIL – Westlands – TICKETS
24 – BARNSTAPLE – Queens Theatre – TICKETS
25 – WESTON-SUPER-MARE – Playhouse – TICKETS
26 – BRISTOL – Old Vic – TICKETS
30 – ST ALBANS – Alban Arena – TICKETS
31 – GUILDFORD – G Live – TICKETS


June 2019

1 – READING – Hexagon – TICKETS
6 – WORTHING – Pavilion – TICKETS
7 – SHANKLIN – Shanklin Theatre – TICKETS
8 – BOURNEMOUTH – Pavilion – TICKETS
15 – ST HELIER – Jersey Opera House – TICKETS


July 2019

27 – YORK – The Barbican – TICKETS
28 – MACCLESFIELD – Gawsworth Hall – TICKETS


August 2019

1 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
2 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
3 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
4 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
8 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
9 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
10 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
11 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
15 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
16 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
17 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
18 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
22 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
23 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
24 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS
25 – EDINBURGH – The Queen’s Hall – TICKETS


September 2019

26 – REDHILL – The Harlequin – TICKETS
27 – WATFORD – Collosseum – TICKETS
28 – NORTHAMPTON – Derngate – TICKETS


October 2019

3 – CHELMSFORD – Civic Theatre – TICKETS SOON
4 – IPSWICH – Regent Theatre – TICKETS
5 – NORWICH– Theatre Royal – TICKETS
6 – DARTFORD – The Orchard – TICKETS SOON
10 – TUNBRIDGE WELLS– Assembly Hall – TICKETS
11 – BIRMINGHAM – Town Hall – TICKETS
12 – BIRMINGHAM – Town Hall – TICKETS
13 – SHREWSBURY – Theatre Severn – TICKETS
18 – GLASGOW – Pavilion Theatre – TICKETS
19 – DUNFERMLINE – Alhambra Theatre – TICKETS SOON
20 – NEWCASTLE upon TYNE – Theatre Royal – TICKETS
25 – PORTSMOUTH – Guildhall – TICKETS
26 – LONDON – PALLADIUM – TICKETS – On Sale 10am Fri 14 December


November 2019

7 – DONCASTER – Cast – TICKETS SOON
8 – KENDAL – Leisure Centre – TICKETS
9 – CARLISLE – The Sands – TICKETS
14 – DUNSTABLE – Grove Theatre – TICKETS
15 – HIGH WYCOMBE – Wycombe Swan – TICKETS
16 – BASINGSTOKE – The Anvil – TICKETS SOON
22 – COLCHESTER – Charter Hall – TICKETS
23 – CAMBRIDGE – Corn Exchange – TICKETS SOON
29 – DORKING – Dorking Halls – TICKETS SOON
30 – CRAWLEY – The Hawth – TICKETS


December 2019

5 – BRADFORD – St Georges Hall – TICKETS
6 – MIDDLESBROUGH – Town Hall – TICKETS
8 – SCARBOROUGH – Spa Hall – TICKETS SOON


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