Dear Friends of German Comedy,
This is the time of year when all comedians diligently prepare their products for the Edinburgh comedy trade fair in August.
Unless their football team forces them out on a ‘Leo Sayer’ once every four days, with times between matches spent re-hydrating.
Not that it’s current news or any of my business but I was disappointed with the reaction of the English public to their team’s defeat at the hands of Germany.
Instead of wasting their time criticising players and manager they should have revived the spirit of 1996 and smashed up all Mercedes, BMW, Volkswagens, thus forcing the owners to buy new ones. And by God could the German car industry do with that business.
This short video sums up the defeatist aura of today’s England supporters.
I am also not convinced that winning the World Cup would have been a good thing for England; certainly not for the rest of Britain as they wouldn’t hear the end of it.
There’s nothing wrong with upward social mobility – but do you really want Sir John Terry and Sir Stevie G?
But worse: three-quarters of the population would have died of alcohol poisoning, the press would have asked if England’s World Cup win is bigger than Jordan’s tits, and just like winning Rugby World Cup 2003 success would have led to complacency and even bigger failure in the future.
Therefore the heavy criticism of Rooney and Co for their performances is wide of the mark, not least from an educational point of view.
If it wasn’t for the England team the numerical skills amongst football supporters would be nowhere near as good as they are. ‘How many years of hurt?’ ‘Well, it was 44. Now we’ll have to add another 4. Hang on, I can do this. 44,45,46,47,48. It’s 48.’ ‘Great. You’re not studying in Oxford for nothing.’
(This joke reads very lame but when acted out on stage it turns into comedy ‘gold’. Unfortunately it’s the sort of ‘gold’ England’s ‘golden generation’ is made of; corroded base metal.)
But it’s not the time for bragging yet as the Fatherland so far hasn’t won anything either.
In fact there is the real possibility this World Cup might be remembered for Germany playing ‘Total Football’ and then in a complete role-reversal losing to a workman-style Dutch side in the final.
Because we mustn’t forget Germany isn’t as good as we used to be; we haven’t won a major tournament for 14 years. In fact, we haven’t even been to a final of one for almost 24 months. Oh, all those days of hurt…
Enjoy the final four games – and keep believing – 2014 will be your year!