Dear Friends of German Humour,
The world’s most important role has been filled: Thomas Tuchel is the new England manager. Cor blimey! It’s an accepted fact that no-one English can ever work their way up to become Head of State and now it looks like they can’t become manager of the England football team either.
The fact that both positions are now held by Germans is an irony not entirely lost on me.
The appointment of Tuchel holds plenty of comedy mileage: the England squad will be hogging all the sunbeds at the next World Cup, getting good at penalties, the country being managed by a German since George I ascended to the throne in 1714, if you can’t beat them, employ them, etc, etc.
It will also have many practical repercussions for the Anglo-German rivalry. Thanks to his first name, the Tommies vs Jerries dynamics should remain intact but what’s going to happen to the ‘Ten German Bombers’ song? And is it ‘Two World Wars and Five World Cups’ now?
There’s certainly no need to be unduly worried about an outbreak of tedious political correctness at future England games. I already laughed my block off about the inspired reworking of Atomic Kitten’s “Southgate, you’re the one” to “Tuchel, you’re the one, Churchill’s bombed your gran, football’s coming home again” that’s been doing the rounds on social media.
Call it bad taste or good banter, but it’s certainly much better than the Tartan Army’s Flower of Scotland; a dirge about the Battle of Bannockburn, fought a mere 710 years ago. By comparison, World War II related songs are dealing with current affairs.
But, to be honest, the FA’s decision just doesn’t sit right with me. I understand the days of Liverpool always being managed by a Scouser or West Ham by a Cockney are sadly gone but, call me old-fashioned, a national team should be managed by someone from that country.
In Germany there was briefly talk of Dutchman Louis Van Gaal potentially succeeding Hansi Flick at Nationalmannschaft before a massive public outcry stopped this from being explored further. Rightly so, because irrespective of Van Gaal’s qualities and results, I would have stopped caring there and then.
What self-respecting football nation would employ a foreign football manager? And doing it repeatedly. While Tuchel is a considerably more promising choice than Fabio Capello and Sven Goran Eriksson before him – he speaks English, has worked with a lot of the squad before and has won stuff in living memory – it must be a slap in the face of everyone who has grafted away at St George’s Park to get their Uefa Pro Licence.
The argument against appointing anyone English is that there aren’t any suitable candidates. Indeed, the last English manager to win the league was Howard Wilkinson with Leeds in 1992.
But obviously managers need to be given the chance to do so first! Matt Bloomfield is doing amazingly well at Wycombe Wanderers but winning the Premier League is a tall order while they play in League One.
As Sam Allardyce, the only national team manager in world football to leave with a 100% win ratio, pointed out he would have got offered better jobs if his name was Allardici.
Even if the FA were to offer the job to the likes of Sean Dyche, Eddie Howe, Graham Potter or even Mike Bassett, why anyone who is English and in their right mind would accept the poisoned chalice is another matter altogether. Once their tenure is over they probably have to emigrate. After all, Gareth Southgate took them to two finals and still got vilified. Even winning presumably wouldn’t have been enough. Let’s not forget Winston Churchill got the sack the very same year he won a World War!! The media at the time complained he didn’t win it well enough and fought too defensively.
Anyway, from a German point of view, World Cup 2026 is now an even more delicious prospect (if we ignore where it’s being held). Should England win anything it’s down to their German manager and should the trophyless run continue, it’s “Gute Arbeit, Agent Tuchel”.
Have a great autumn and hopefully see you soon
Henning
Please find below my upcoming tour dates. More are constantly being added. Acid Wehn is an unbiased look at climate change – even though after the US election I might just cut it right down to “We’re done for and that’s that. Thank you and goodnight.”
