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December 2012

Dear Friends of German Comedy,

It’s the Queen here. No, calm down, it’s not. It’s only me.

With emotions running high I’d better not make light of Kate Middleton’s nurse’s suicide. But I immediately knew that nurse wasn’t from round here. No British employee has ever cared enough about their job to commit suicide after making a mistake.

That’s after all what Britain invented self-deprecation for. It doesn’t matter if you mess up in your line of work. As long as you can tell the tale of your underachievement in an entertaining fashion you’ll be alright and in line for promotion.

In a way, the hoax call reminded me of when I was applying for marketing jobs at the 92 English football league clubs back in 2002.

I rang all clubs to see if they had any openings, and ask whom to send my CV to.

Whoever answered Port Vale FC’s phone deserves a medal, as he made me address my application to Barry Bigtits. I was 99% sure the name was made up but a) I had nothing to lose, and b) if that really was the name of the HR person he would have very few applications on his desk as everyone would assume it’s a joke.

Sadly it was a joke.

But rather than death and job-hunting let’s end the final bulletin of the year on a more cheery note and remember what a great success 2012 has been.

Particularly the Olympic Games!

Before, everyone was convinced London 2012 would be a shambles and a half.
But then, against all the odds, it turned out very well.

Luckily since then the debate about future use of the Olympic Stadium has been living up to the expectations. It took the London Legacy Development Corporation five months to appoint West Ham as the preferred bidder! Seeing it’s only them and Leyton Orient in the vicinity you wonder how that decision could have been five months in the making.

It’s like parents pondering who to make the beneficiary of their will – their only child or their cat.

Talking of cats (seamless, I know): who remembers Alan Coren’s “Golfing for Cats”, the 1970s book with the massive swastika on the cover, combining the three most potent sales concepts of the day: golf, cats and Nazis?

There is now a 21st century sham version of that very idea! a website combining the modern British triple obsession of celebrity, charity and mobile phones.

Talking to, say, Neville Southall sets you back an outlandish 20 quid. Per minute!

A half-hour chat would cost you 600 quid! I’m pretty sure Southall does personal appearances for less.

Seriously, whatever you do, don’t phone that number – not even for a laugh or to find out if it’s for real – if I find out you rang them and are hundreds of quid down I won’t be able to forgive myself!

If you’re determined to use your phone, ring 08448 733433 and book tickets for my Authentic German Christmas Do at Leicester Square Theatre. £15.50 for 120 minutes – an astonishing 154 times cheaper than talking to Neville Southall.

Have a great end to 2012 and a sufficiently successful 2013


May 2022

7th - Cardiff - St Davids Hall - TICKETS
8th - Southampton - Mayflower - TICKETS
12th - Barnstaple - Queens Theatre - TICKETS
13th - Yeovil - Westlands - TICKETS
14th - Weston super Mare - The Playhouse - TICKETS
15th - Port Talbot - Princess Royal Theatre - TICKETS
20th - Torquay - Babbacombe Theatre - TICKETS

June 2022

3rd - Shanklin IOW - Shanklin Theatre - TICKETS
4th - Bournemouth - Pavilion - TICKETS
5th - Weymouth - Pavilion - TICKETS
9th - Nottingham - Playhouse - TICKETS
10th - Nottingham - Playhouse - TICKETS
11th - Reading - The Hexagon - TICKETS
16th - Doncaster - The Cast - TICKETS
17th - York - The Barbican - TICKETS
18th - Bradford - St Georges Hall - TICKETS
30th - Douglas Isle of Man - Gaiety Theatre - TICKETS

July 2022

2nd - Kendal - Leisure Centre - TICKETS
31st - Macclesfield - Gawsworth Hall - TICKETS

August 2022

4th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
5th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
6th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
11th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
12th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
13th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
18th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
19th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
20th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
25th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
26th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS
27th - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall - TICKETS

September 2022

22nd - Epsom - Playhouse - TICKETS
23rd - Aldershot - Princes Hall - TICKETS
24th - Redhill - Harlequin - TICKETS
30th - Worthing - Pavilion - TICKETS

October 2022

1st - Brighton - Dome - TICKETS
6th - Harrogate - Royal Hall - TICKETS
7th - Birmingham - Town Hall - TICKETS
8th - Birmingham - Town Hall - TICKETS
14th - London - Palladium - TICKETS
15th - Portsmouth - Guildhall - TICKETS
20th - Chelmsford - Civic Theatre - TICKETS
21st - Ipswich - Regent Theatre - TICKETS
22nd - Dunstable - Grove Theatre - TICKETS
28th - Tunbridge - Assembly Hall - TICKETS

November 2022

11th - Rhyl - Pavilion Theatre - TICKETS
12th - Warwick - Butterworth Hall - TICKETS
17th - Oxford - Playhouse - TICKETS
18th - Oxford - Playhouse - TICKETS

February 2023

24th - Leeds - City Varieties - TICKETS
25th - Leeds - City Varieties - TICKETS

March 2023

3rd - Horsham - Capitol Theatre - TICKETS
4th - Dorking - Halls - TICKETS
5th - Canterbury - Marlowe Theatre - TICKETS
10th - St Albans - Arena - TICKETS
11th - Colchester - Charter Hall - TICKETS
12th - Norwich - Theatre Royal - TICKETS SOON
17th - Chesterfield - Winding Wheel - TICKETS SOON
18th - Stockport - Plaza - TICKETS
19th - Lichfield - Garrick Theatre - TICKETS SOON
23rd - New Brighton - Floral Pavilion - TICKETS
24th - Hull - City Hall - TICKETS SOON
25th - Middlesborough - Town Hall - TICKETS SOON


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